sleep mode

My apologies for the lack of keeping up with you, dear blog. Things have been more hectic and stressful then usual and I really had to force myself to sit down and write today. You'd think with all the frustration and negativity going on in my life from just about all sides, I'd have a lot of steam to blow off huh? Not the case for some reason

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I need some downtime and relaxation now more than I think I've ever needed it in recent memory. I keep telling myself that if I can just get through the rest of this year, then I can start fresh in 2011. Right now, I'm sucking at everything and that is not just me being hard on myself. 

I've committed to a lot of things recently: being a CASA volunteer, starting to live a healthier lifestyle, researching what it is I want to do next professionally, pursuing my master's, being better with finances, etc. I have not been putting nearly 50% of myself into any of these things. Even my day to day activities at work and at home are suffering. I'm not sure when life became all about just barely getting through the day with my sanity, just to start the whole process again the next day, but it's happening now and has been for awhile. I just need time. Sweet, precious, unattainable time. Not even time to do it all, just time to think about it all and get my priorites straight. I need a plan and I need one now.

One might look at this and think whoa, sister, it may be time to get on some meds. I've been on some meds and I'm not nearly to the point I was when I needed them. This is me realizing that I might be going down that path again.

I think I've decided to do the best I can possibly do right now which is: take the rest of the year off. No more thinking about any of the above on a constant basis. I'm ready to say goodbye to this year and good riddance!

Starting small

I'm done whining now. Cue applause! I whine a lot when it comes to all of this and I've accepted that this is just part of the journey. Set-backs and whining come with it. I'm brushing all of that off and I just have to say, I might be very unlucky in a few areas of my life, but having great friends is not one of those areas. Throughout all of the rough areas in my life with family, finances, love (until I met Joshua, of course), school, etc--I've always been very fortunate to have a lot of strong friendships. Friends have often been the one and only thing to get me through some of the really bad stuff. It makes me so happy to have the support of so many friends right now with all of this. Emails, comments, phone calls and letters have been very important to keeping me going. I'm actually going to print off a lot of the written stuff and keep it in my book, just to remind myself to hang in there. 

After speaking with a couple of said friends, I have decided to set several very small goals that I feel like I won't so easily break all of the time. If I do, tomorrow is another day to try again. Here is what I've come up with to start with:

1. Make one healthy complete meal for dinner each week (one that I make, not Josh)

2. Have one day a week where I can eat whatever I want and not stress about it one bit

3. 30-45 minutes of cardio two times a week

4. Eat more veggies

5. Zero fast food

6. Research counselors in the area

7. Research various exercises I can do at home

8. Use small plates

9. Single helpings only

10. No food after 7:30pm on the weekdays

I'm going to try this for 2 weeks and come back to it to re-evaluate and see what I can increase and what is not working for me. I'm going to start this on Sunday because I always choose Mondays for my start dates on things and I don't know why. I'm going to have a weekly check in with my good friend, Angie to keep my focus.

Here's to small wonders...