I have what I call somewhat of an "obsessive" personality. When I hear a song I love for the first time, I have to play it over and over and over again on repeat. I sing it all day long for days on end. I won't listen to anything else for a short period of time and then I can move on. I've been known to be a little on the obsessed side with a few crushes in my life, which is kind of embarrassing to admit. One of my biggest obsessions however, is with food.
I think about food in some way during all hours of the day. I have to know when exactly I'm going to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. If I skip a meal for some reason or another, it makes me very nervous and uneasy. When we are getting low on food in the house, I get very nervous and uneasy until we do a grocery run. If I have a craving for something unhealthy that I can easily obtain, I might be able to pass it up, but I think about it constantly after the fact. I think to myself "Wow, I wanted that and I can't have it why? Because I'm huge. If I was at a normal weight, I could have had that". For example, last night I went to the gym and what did I want to do the second I left? Eat dinner. And I wanted a McRib. They're only around for 6 weeks at a time after all. I knew Josh was at work, so I'd be on my own for dinner (which is a huge problem for me), which meant no one would no any better if I just went and grabbed some fast food after just burning calories right? It took everything I had in me to drive home and eat the perfectly good soup sitting in my fridge. The whole time I ate the delicious soup I was steaming that it wasn't a McRib. I just couldn't let it go. This is the how much effort it takes for me to not eat one unhealthy meal. If you eat three meals a day 7 days a week thats 21 meals a week, 64 meals a month, and so on that I have to fight through. It's exhausting.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want out of this blog and this transformation. I started out thinking that no matter what, I don't want to count every single carb and calorie I consume. I don't want to spend a million hours a week in the gym. I don't want to eat things that taste like cardboard for every meal. Life is so short as it is. Yes, it can be lengthened by doing these things but I don't want to live forever, especially not this way. Enjoying food is a big part of my life. I love our family gatherings that always come with good food, laughter, and fun. I love my going out to eat with my husband and staying in and eating his yummy creations. So there, I don't want to obsess over all of this right? As you can see from above, I already do, just in a different way then the health nuts do. Realizing that has made me see that neither extreme is for
me and I just don't know how to get to a middle.
Boone -
ReplyDeleteI've lost almost 50 lbs and it's taken a little over 2 years and I LOVE FOOD. I will have you know you can eat healthy and have it be delicious.
You can also enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas and any other family gatherings that revolve around food. One thing I've learned is to prepare for what you know is going to happen and to give your self wiggle room and be able to forgive yourself and continue on your diet if you make a mistake.
Also, you have to make a conscious effort not to obsess about all the many hard decisions you have to make. You have to take it one step at a time. And you MUST congratulate yourself for making the hard healthy choices. Instead of saying "why didn't I have that McRib" you need to think "I just got myself 500 calories closer to my goal." It may take a while to get in the habit of thinking as to why you're making this hard choice instead of how hard the choice was and how you didn't get what you wanted. You have to keep your mind in the positive and give yourself credit when you make hard choices. If you keep thinking about the negative (I didn't get that food I wanted) you'll be setting yourself up for failure. If you take a moment to ask yourself why you made the hard choice you'll remember the positive. Eventually you won't have to remind yourself why you made the hard choice, you'll be excited to make the hard choice because you know what you'll be gaining in the end.
It takes work and time but take it slow. Nothing happens overnight. I started off my diet by just figuring out which foods I could stand eating the low-fat version of (I can't do low-fat ranch but I've found that I prefer low-fat sour cream). I found that by taking slow and easy healthy steps I was building myself up to be more open to the hard choices (getting up early to go to the gym). Slow and steady wins the race!!
Secret time: I've dealt with compulsive overeating disorder since I was 5. It started with Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. My sister and I would be left alone with our stepmom (from Hell) when our dad was supposed to have us for the weekends. She forced us to eat only healthy food and locked us outside to "exercise". They kept cake rolls up at the top of the cabinet above the oven. I remember the very first time I sneaked food. I grabbed a chair, climbed up, took a package of cake rolls, and ran back to my room. I know exactly why I started and I've always been aware of what I was doing, but I have some insanely embarrassing stories. You know how there was a large trash can at the end of our hallway at the dorm? One time, I went out and bought 3 boxes of cake rolls, ate 2 (BOXES) in like 4 minutes, and started on the 3rd box. By then, the guilt was taking over as it always does, so I started chewing the cake rolls and spitting them back into the box on top of the other packs. That was supposed to keep me from eating the rest. Then, I made sure no one was looking, ran down to the trash can, and threw them away. I can't believe I'm telling you this, but a few hours later, I went back and got them. I know how disgusting that sounds, but it's only one example of the crazy things I've done. I just want you to know you're not alone in your obsession with food. We do this to fill voids. I also want you to know that I understand how hard this is. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you both SO much for posting these comments.
ReplyDeleteLindsey--I know it hasn't been easy for you to lose and look at you, you are proof that this can be done! I really am going to be asking you about a lot of things during this time for advice:)
Jennifer-- I'm so right there with you. I haven't gone into a lot of detail with some of the obsessions, but I've definitely done what I would call some binge/compulsive eating. It scares me. I'm sorry you've gone through that. But I'm glad you can share things like this with me. I need it:)