Two blogs in one night is probably never going to happen again, but as I'm sitting here in our apartment with the windows open and the wind blowing like crazy (tornado?), I feel like I should write again, so I'm going with it.
The holiday season is very bittersweet for me, mainly for one reason. I don't really get to see most of my family members. With my dad working out of town and moving from place to place, it's hard to narrow down and time and date to spend time with him with all of us girls. There is also the issue of him not appreciating my husband for the wonderful person that he is, but that is a whole other can of worms we won't go into. I haven't spent the last 2 or 3 Thanksgivings with my mom for obvious reasons and it looks like this year will be no exception.
Without going into the long and drawn out story of my life, let's just say I've spent a great deal of it on the receiving end of a very negative and controlling force. As a child, you aren't able to exactly choose who is in your life and who isn't. I had a lot of freedom to do what I wanted as a teenager, but I didn't have the ability to get away from people who consciously tried to break me down to feeling like I was worth nothing. However it appeared to those around me, to me, it was abuse. Extreme psychological and emotional abuse. I feel like I lived in a household where I couldn't control anything around me. It's only natural to me that maybe food was the one thing I could control in my own home. Meals were always good and plentiful in my house amid the constant chaos. Of course, it was a comfort too. I'm not a "sad" eater, I'm a "happy", "sad", "angry", "excited", "bored", basically any kind of emotion,eater.
Things are a lot different in my life now, although they didn't have to be. I chose to remove myself from that situation and not look back or give it. I'm beyond proud of myself and I know how far I'm come from the child that I was going through all of that. I also know that if someone dug into the issues I have even slightly, a lot of emotions and thoughts about the past would be at the root of it all. That is scary to me. It makes me think that exploring therapy as an option would just be back-peddling. I've dealt with this part of my life by being resilient and rising above it. Turning away and not getting sucked into the black hole of it all has needlessly cost me so much. It's been painful and heart-breaking, but it's something I had to do in order to be the person I wanted to be. Really, it's what I had to do if I wanted to just plain be okay.
I'm afraid delving back into it would just be another set-back. No, I do not care enough to go up to this person and be like this is what you did to me and blah, blah, blah. Closure, let's be friends--I don't think so. I'm not harboring hate, I just have no interest in it at all. It's like the idea of playing video games. Do I loathe playing video games? No. Is my life missing something because I don't play video games. No. Will playing video games bring something spectacular into my life? No. There's just zero interest. Life is waaaay too short to bring anyone less than spectacular into your life (something I got from Ms. Angela Dawn Huxford) and I'm not about to start doing that now. Basically if you are less than amazing, you can go on your way and I can go on mine.
So after that rant, I'm torn on what to think about therapy. I do think I need professional help with several issues, but at what cost? Let me tell you one thing: I'd rather have a short life being fat than have a long life of being thin if it compromises the person I am right now. Period.
You said psychoanalyze and I said yes ma'am! Ashley, you are absolutely right that therapy (especially the kind of therapy you are considering exploring which would be psychoanalytic or psychodynamic in nature) would delve into your childhood. BUT it doesn't have to... if you are more interested in changing your perception of yourself and making changes now, you may be more interested in a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy (I am partial to this because that is what I do). Therapy can often be painful... you have to process things to move past them. I know you have been reslient and made something of yourself despite your adversities. HOWEVER, that does not mean that you are completely healed from them. You pointed out that food is still an issue for you and you think that comes from how you were raised (look at that as the symptom). Point being, therapy is hard and painful but it could really help you.... but then again, I am biased. I know you 've been in this battle for most of your life... sometimes you may just need a little help : ) In the meantime, if you have any questions about therapy or even want a psychological opinion, you know who your girl is! : )
ReplyDeleteI agree with Emily. You don't have to "make up" with the people in your past but talking with someone and understanding why you have the relationship with food that you do will help you in the long run. It'll help your relationship with the people in your life and it'll help you change your relationship with food to be one of nutrition rather than comfort. I don't think therapy will compromise who you are. I think it'll reaffirm who you are and help you become the person you want to be.
ReplyDeleteA good therapist can be wonderful. I've seen someone on and off for almost two years and she has been a fantastic sounding board for me. I think it can be really helpful to have someone who is outside of your family and can help affirm the things you know and help you see things in a different light. But, I think 1) you need to be in a place where it's something you want and 2) you need to have someone who you trust and like. I think there are a lot of people who spend time talking to a therapist who they don't really like, and having someone who you really truly like and trust makes a world of difference.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya.
ReplyDelete