It's a GIRL :)

At 19 weeks and 6 days, we FINALLY found out we are expecting a daughter! A girl. A little baby girl. I still can't believe it. We had a slight preference for a girl since we already have such a great young man in our lives, but still to be told that your intuition was actually right?! It's the scariest, most amazing thing in the world to be bringing a daughter into the world. Honestly, I'm so much more terrified than if it would have been a boy. I'm such a girls' girl that it seems to be the most natural occurrence in the world to everyone else that I of all people, would be having a little girl. When really, I am so much cooler, calmer and just better around little boys. Challenge of a lifetime right?! I couldn't be more excited. I love our Isabel so much already. I can really feel a special connection to her and I'm so thankful for that.
Our ultrasound went well. I still have yet to gain any weight with her. All the parts look great and she's actually measuring on the smaller side of average, but nothing to worry about. I had to laugh though because there's never been anything small about me ever in life and my baby is on the smaller side? Oh wow! She opened and closed her mouth, gave us a "thumbs up" sign and wiggled like crazy during the ultrasound. I feel her more now, but not nearly as much as she apparently moves in there. It's absolutely breathtaking to see how much she's developed since our 8 week ultrasound. I can't even put it into words. Something else I'm having trouble doing is completing this exercise in my baby book I'm keeping for her. It's a "letter to my unborn child". I could have written 20 pages, but instead, I pretty much wrote this without stopping. They were the first thoughts that came to mind of what I would want her to know if something were to happen to me. I'm pretty sure that wasn't the vibe I should have been going for, but it was all I could come up with for the time being. Here we go :)

My Dearest Isabel,
There is so much I want to say to you, that I don't even know where to start this letter. We are so over-the-moon excited for your entrance into our lives! We have waited and prayed for you for so long and couldn't feel more blessed and happy than we do right now. I have so many hopes and wishes for your life that I could never put them all into words. I hope to spend the rest of my life protecting you, supporting you and helping you achieve your own hopes and wishes.

When I think about bringing a little girl into the world, I'm completely overcome with happiness and love. I've known you were a little girl from the start and I have loved you from the first day I knew you were growing inside of me. I've always been worried about what kind of mother I would be, but that is changing now. I won't be perfect at it and i know I will make mistakes; lots of them, probably. I hope that you always know that I will do my best to put you before myself in every way, try to make decisions and parent with only your best interest at heart. I hope and pray that we have the kind of relationship where you feel like you can come to me with absolutely anything. I hope I can be someone you admire, confide in and enjoy being around...even during difficult times we might have someday.
.
One of the things I hope to teach you is just how much of a world there is outside our tiny corner of it. There is so much to experience, learn and grown from all around us. There will be a time in your life when you think your every happiness depends on if you are well-liked by your peers, a boy you like or if everything in your life is going the way you want it to. Please know that there is so much more to life than these things and nothing lasts forever except love. Things are never as bad as they seem and you will be a better person for not giving in to small-minded thinking. Never forget that you are special. You are different from anyone else that's ever lived.

I hope that you always keep an open mind and heart. The world is a big, scary, awful and sometimes hurtful place. I never want you to be naive about that fact. However, it can also be so beautiful, magical and full of wonder. That's the part of the wold you have to search for and go after yourself. Trust me when I tell you, you'll find it. I hope you always stop to appreciate the so many good things life has to offer. Be humble about your blessings and thank God often..he created this world for us and created you. The world will someday be at your feet, my sweet girl. You will be able to make your mark and I will always be thereto support and encourage you to chase your dreams, no matter what.

I hope you believe in love above all things, the way I did as a young girl and still do. You will always deserve to be loved truly and completely for exactly who you are. Never change for anyone but yourself.  I hope you find true love, the way I did with your father. He changed my life, he brought me to life ways I never thought possible. He's my one true love and waiting for him was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. You are the greatest gift that could have come out of this incredible love of ours. I promise you will always know how much he and I love each other in the way we treat each other and care for one another throughout our lives. You will never doubt that this kind of love is out there and it's there for you as well.

You already have so many people in your life who love you and will always love you. You will never have to question that. Family and true friends are so important and I hope you always surrond yourself with people who love and respect you. I hope that you are always kind to others and try to put yourself in their shoes. Empathy is a virtue that should not be traded for any other. I truly believe you get back what you put into the world. If you remain positive, inspired and kind, I know good things will happen for you.

My little girl, you aren't even here yet and I have thought about your entire life already. Just like so many other mothers say, my greatest wish is for you to be happy and enjoy your life. It's as simple as that.  We are forever bonded as mother and daughter and I will cherish you and our relationship always. You will never doubt our love for you as long as you live and beyond.
All my love,
Mommy

4 months (already!)

I cannot believe how quickly the time has gone by. I'm almost frantic about it, actually. It seems like we just found out yesterday we were expecting and I'm almost at the halfway point! I've found in the last couple of months that I actually get pretty frantic about a lot of things when it comes to this pregnancy. I've had to be talked down quite a few times from spazzing out over little things. I don't let myself get worked up enough to get truly upset to make my BP go up, but still. It's been a crazy ride so far!

Like I've said before, I've been mostly very lucky to have had just a few days of morning sickness (mine seemed to last the entire day though) and just being very tired. However, around week 11 or so, I have found myself with continuous UTI's that just will not go away. Talk about frustrating and uncomfortable. Apparently, I have a rare kind of bacteria growing in my body and happen to be allergic to the best antibiotic they can use to get rid of it and the 2nd best antibiotic, you can't take during pregnancy. So, needless to say, it's been very difficult to treat. As of right now, I'm on my 4th round of antibiotics and praying this round does the trick. I've read it's very dangerous to have a UTI in your 3rd trimester and could cause pre-term labor among other things. Thankfully, this infection hasn't moved to my kidneys, which I'm grateful for. I've also been very dizzy and continue to have frequent nausea. Overall, I'd say my 2nd trimester has been a little rougher than my 1st, which I wasn't expecting at all. However, I know how much worse it could be so I hesitate to complain too much.
The baby's stats are good. Last dct's appt the heart rate was 154, I had lost another 4 lbs (total is 6 since my first appt) and my BP is only slightly elevated. We are going to have to keep an eye on that for sure, but for now, no worries. We are finding out the baby's gender on February 1st! We will have the ultra sound tech write down what we are having, put it in a sealed envelope and since we are going to TH that night, we will take the envelope to my best friend, Ashley. She will open it (when she's not with us) and is going to make  cake with either pink or blue on the inside of it. We are planning to have a very small get together with our immediate families that weekend (during Super Bowl weekend too, yikes!) to find out if it's a boy or girl! When we cut into the cake, everyone will know at once. I love it and can't wait! I wanted to make it a big thing at first and invite lots of people, but like Josh says, it's a personal thing and we don't need 50 people there staring at us or anything. I'll have that enough at the baby shower!

With the New Year just passing, I feel the need to really adopt some better habits before the baby comes. For one, I think it's imperative that Josh and I become more active, because I want my kids to be active. I was , for the most part, a very inactive child. I liked to stay in-doors and read, sing by myself, etc. I loved and was very good at softball, but didn't continue with it after I was 13 years old. I really want my child to be in some kind of sport, dance, or something that keeps them physically active. Of course, I'd love it if they also wanted to do piano, voice lessons or something musical too. I just want it to be the "norm" to take walks with mommy and daddy, go to the park, play outside, etc. My kids will NOT get electronic gadgets, be sat in front of the TV for hours or expect to be entertained 24/7 by their parents as a young child. I don't think anything badly about anyone who raises their kids with these things, I just desperately don't want mine to follow suit. I realize that when I was a kid, things were very different than they are today, but I don't care. I want to read more, so that my kids want to read. I plan on reading to the baby immediately. I also plan on speaking Spanish to the baby immediately and am already picking up some tools to use to teach a baby the Spanish language. I want to find a church, so that it's normal to go to church when the baby comes. I know these are big goals and some people might laugh and think "yeah right, wait until the baby is actually here and see what happens", but these things are very important to me and I plan on keeping them important. I have a somewhat unconventional by today's world, way that I want to raise my children and it might make me the most uncool mom ever, but I hope if I stick to my guns, I'll have good-natured, well-rounded kids because of it. Anyway, these are just some of the things I've been thinking about lately. I don't mean to judge others, but I've really grown into being comfortable with the idea that no matter the outside influences, we get to raise this child with our values, our ideas and the way we want to. I know I can't protect my child forever from the outside world, but at least in the way I live my life and teach them to live theirs (whether it rubs off or not later), I have a chance to do something right in the world. I'm sure I won't be a perfect mom and of course, will make tons of mistakes, but I'm very confident that I can give this child so much love and goodness. He or she will be surrounded by it!

12 weeks

12 weeks...I feel like I've been waiting for so long to get to this milestone. I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but this is a milestone that I've very happy to have reached! The last few weeks or so, I've been feeling less and less pregnant for many reasons and have been counting down the days and hours to get to our 12 week baby appointment today. I just wanted to hear the heartbeat and know that my baby was still in there and doing alright. Thankfully, my mind was put at ease :)
I belong to a first time moms birth month (June 2012) club online and it seems like literally on a daily basis 1-3 people say there goodbyes and wish the rest of us luck because theyve gone to their 12 week check ups and found out they lost their babies for one reason or another. I've become more and more afraid this was going to be the case with me that by the time today got here, I was a nervous wreck. I have a bacterial infection that has gotten close to getting in my kidneys and even though I was reassured the baby was fine and wasn't being hurt or put in danger as of yet (an actual kidney infection might be another story), I was still freaking out about it.  I also haven't gained any weight, felt any movement and been barely sick or felt any other symptoms the past few weeks. I've read that it makes girls feel somewhat more at ease when they spend their days with their heads in the toilet because at least they know the baby is in there and they are experiencing normal pregnancy symptoms. I was even getting to the point lately where I was mentally trying to disconnect a little from the baby by not thinking about being pregnant as much and stopping talking to it, etc, JUST in case, I had lost it. Once again, no real reason to think that, but I was almost convinced when we went to the dct today. Not to mention the dream I had last night that I had actually lost the baby while at work.
Once we were there and went through my history w/ the nurse, she got the Doppler ready to listen to the heartbeat. After telling me not to be alarmed if it takes a little time to hear/find it, she started moving it all around to look for the heartbeat. After awhile, she decided to try another machine, because all we were picking up was my heartbeat. After what seemed like seriously forever, she went to go get yet another machine and I couldn't help it....the tears started to flow and I could feel/hear my own heartbeat speeding up and my breathing getting shallow. So much for that disconnecting, huh? All I could do was look at the ceiling and just say "please, please, please God". Finally, she stopped and said "oh wait I think that was it". I snapped my head up a little and strained to listen, but couldn't hear anything at all. She said it was moving around. Finally, finally we suddenly heard a tiny, strong and fast heartbeat of 163 (still higher--girl?). It was like it was saying I've been here the whole time, just hiding out! I cried of course and thankfully Josh was right next to me to comfort me through all of it. I couldn't tell for sure, but I think he and possibly the nurse, were getting worried at one point too. I feel such a huge relief that I can't even explain.
Everything else looked good so far. The dct wasn't fantastic, but she was definitely thorough. She didn't hesitate to comment on my weight and note that I really need to watch it, which I was aware of obviously. So far, I haven't gained anything yet. I think it always startles medical people when I let them know that actually, I already do drink almost nothing but water and don't eat a TON of food at every sitting. It's almost like they get a flash of "well then why do you look like you do" that comes across their face. My BP is good and the infection is getting cleared up. They took a bunch of blood to test and 3 hours later, we were on our way!

Next appt is January 5th...we will find out the gender of the baby the first week of Feb :)

Not so fast!

So, I might of spoke too soon a bit on the whole not experiencing a lot of symptoms. Thanksgiving was kind of a bust unfortunately. Something about all of the smells at once made me literally sick. I got a plate, put one thing on it and thought OMG, I've got to make a run for it. I still managed to enjoy some food, but not nearly as much as I wanted. The day after Thanksgiving was pretty awful. I threw up the entire morning, was super dizzy, pulse racing and just didn't want to move all day. The worst part was that I of course, had plans to see out of town friends and go to my dad's Thanksgiving all in Indy, which I had to abruptly cancel. I just couldn't have made it all that way in the car and then would have been the worst company ever on top of that. I literally stayed in my pj's that entire day and the majority of Saturday. Today was mostly good though. I got to eat a little bit more. Overall, I'd say the vote is that this baby does not enjoy Thanksgiving food. No way. Maybe next Thanksgiving will be better for he or she!

I keep counting various things as being "Baby's First ____" while it's still in the womb. Silly I know, but it's been kind of fun so far. Baby's First Movie: Breaking Dawn (very appropriate I'd say), First Concert: Fleet Foxes, First Family Photo: today, First Thanksgiving: kinda didn't go well, etc, etc. I just want to write all the little things I've thought about so far while being pregnant. Like how it will be #2 for great-grandchildren on one side of the family and #9 on the other and that I'd really like to get a pic with the great-grandparents with a little sign with the number and arrow pointing to my belly. There's just so much to think about :)

It's very strange to experience so many changes in your body. I feel strange sensations all the time and think omg, what was that? Is that normal? It seems like there is a new change everyday and it's definitely an adjustment. I'm ready to not feel this tired. I have a 4:30ish nap everyday that I can't sleep in and I literally feel like I will just topple over asleep if I don't have it. Seeing as though I'm missing it right now, I think I'll save writing for another day :)

Little things

So far so good. I feel really very lucky right now to be experiencing little to no symptoms of pregnancy as of yet other than the occasional wave of nausea and throwing up just twice since finding out I'm pregnant. I have however experienced some weirdness in the past couple of days that I thought I would note in here. One, driving/riding in a car seems to be not good at all. It leaves me feeling dizzy, sick and just gross.Also, last night, on the way home from being gone all weekend, for no apparent reason when talking very calmly about plans for what we need to look at (aka finances) before the baby comes, I burst in to tears without warning and hyperventilated to the point that Josh had to pull over so that I could get some air. I didn't feel sad or upset, it just happened and then almost as quickly, it was over. First significant hormone-y mood shift? I think so! Looking forward to more of that, yeah right :) I've also been incredibly dizzy and nauseated today without much let up. Exhausted. Super exhausted. Other than that, doing well and moving into the 10 week!

Thanksgiving will be 10 weeks and that is when I believe we are going to announce it to everyone (i.e. Facebook). I wanted to (and probably should) wait a little longer, but there has been many almost slip-ups and I don't want to worry about that. I just want to get it out there and let people know. I hope and pray something doesn't happen and I don't also have to announce that. I'm always praying that God will want us to have this baby and that it will be healthy. I'm also going to cut my friends list down. MAJORLY.

I'm reading a lot and have signed up for newsletters and all kinds of stuff that overload me on a daily basis with what I should and should not be doing/expecting. Looking at baby names, since if it's a boy, we have zero names we are able to agree on right now and the girls' name I've had picked out since I was 15 years old is now a variation of the #1 most popular girls name right now (thanks, Twilight). My heart is set on Isabel. Not Isabella or Bella, but Isabel. I'm sure she would be Isabel S. out of 5 girls in each class in school, but I just can't shake it. It was going to be Isabel Sophia, but Sophia happens to be #2 on the most popular list, so we are scratching that. I'd like the middle name for a boy to be after one of my host brothers from the DR, either Luis (Louis) or Fran (Frank). My due date is right in between both of their birthdays, which I think is awesome :) Shantel is the name of my host sister, who I also love and I love her name. I just want the names to mean something, so I'm going to get a list of family names and go from there.

That's all for now. I'm off to my mandated 10pm bedtime that I look so forward to every night. Thankful :)

The best kind of news..EVER.

I took this Halloween off to spend with my best friend of several years, Ms. Amy, in Indianapolis. She is having twin girls in Februrary and I hadn't see her since she told us she was pregnant and was long overdue for a visit. It was so great to talk for hours about her pregnancy, the hopes and fears that come along with this time in her life and hopes and fears for even after the girls are born and grow into adults. I of course, talked about my own struggles to get pregnant over the past year and she equipped me with an ovulation kit, books and all kinds of tools to prepare for and perhaps enhance my chances a bit. She even gave me her left over pregnancy tests from the rest of the box she didn't use because those suckers are expensive. We laughed jokingly as I left to head home saying "ooo maybe these have some luck on them!".

I have been checking every single month to see if I'm pregnant, because after stopping birth control last December, I've been very, very irregular. I didn't have a period in Sept, but checked and nothing. I woke up the next day, Nov 1st and though oh what the heck, it's about that time of the month to check anyway, why not? I did my thing and rushed around to finish getting ready for work. I went back to check and gasped! There was an ever-so-slight second pink line. I said a loud "Oh my GOD!" and ran up the stairs to wake my sleeping husband to make sure I was reading it correctly. After confirming with him, we both sat there on the bed, stunned and smiling. I still didn't believe it, so I went on to work in a daze. I counted down the minutes to my lunch break and took the other test in the package. Same thing. I had to call someone, so who better than the very person who apparently DID give me good luck! Amy was estatic of course, and advised me to get a blood test. We did this and it was confirmed an hour later....we are having a baby!

Since I've been so irregular, I wasn't able to pinpoint how far along I was at all. I was guessing anywhere from 5-13 weeks. It was very scary to think that I might be even out of my first trimester already, so we made an appt asap. We told our families and just a few close friends and made the first dct's appt. I have heard less than great things about the OB doctors around here so we went to TH to Dr. Sakbun's practice. He felt around on my lower tummy and guessed I was no more than 7-7 1/2 weeks and sent us on our way. No ultrasound or anything. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled about this, nor how quickly we were seen and dismissed, so after careful consideration, we have decided to see Dr. Mahan here in town.

This morning was our first ultrasound...FINALLY. I was so suprised to be able to see the little heart fluttering as soon as the technician put the utltrasound wand-thingy on me. It was absolutely amazing and surreal. He measured the baby to be about 2.2 centimeters at 9 weeks along tomorrow and had us listen to the heartbeat. It became real to me in that moment that there is an actual LIFE inside of me that I'm carrying. I will never, ever forget that feeling. The heartrate was 174 which was on the higher side, but good. They say faster heart beats indicate that the baby is a girl, but we'll see. Truthfully, I've felt like this baby is a girl from the very start, but we would be thrilled for either. I've always felt like I get along so much better with little boys since they are more mild and low-key most of the time. What would I do with a little girl??! Probably turn her into a divalicious drama-queen :)

I've had waves of nausea and I have to eat all the time or I feel very sick. I've only thrown up once and it was because I didn't wake up and have something to eat right away. I'm tired a lot. More tired than I've ever been in my life, but I've read that's to be expected in the first trimester. Plus, with being anemic, I'm really going to have to watch myself and be careful with that. I've been eating very healthy for me. I'm eating lots of fruit and veggies, good breakfasts and drinking a ton of water. I've had a small cup of hot tea about every other day to break up my constant water habit a bit, but since I rarely ever drink soda, I shouldn't have an issue with cutting that out completely. I've had some ice cream and a piece of cake, but other than that, little sweets. It's strange, I think so much about every morsel I consume going directly to this baby and it stops me from wanting crappy foods. I keep dried fruit, granola bars, cheese and crackers on me at all times. Thankfully, when I start feeling queasy, snacking on these things usually stops it immediatley.

Everyone has been so wonderful about this so far, especially Joshua. I thank God daily that I have a husband like him to experience this with. It's something we both have wanted for so long and now it's finally happening. He's been incredibly attentive, wonderful, and nothing short of everything I knew he would be during this time. It's like he is his usual self, but enhanced :) This child is going to have an incredible big brother, which I'm so thankful for and great family members who love it unconditionally. I could not be happier or in a better place in my life for this to happen.

I want to write down everything I experience during this pregnancy, so that I can look back and remember it all. There is so much to think about, plan, do, etc and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. I want to relax and enjoy this time as much as possible. Right now, my thoughts are consumed with questions like, what if I'm not a good mother? What if I do something to mess up their life? What if they aren't a good person when they grow up? How can I make sure they love themselves and are confident...especially if this baby is a girl. I'm so so so scared I'm going to do something wrong and there will be irreputable damage to their life. I want this child to grow up differently than I did. MUCH differently. I want the baby to see how much Josh and I love each other and love him or her. I want them to love music, life, God, family, try everything and be inspired. I want them to have big dreams and actually go after them. I want them to be driven, good-hearted, soulful people. I say them because I want to have more than one. For now, right this second, I just want this baby to be healthy and happy. All that other stuff will come, I'm sure. I don't know how you help to mold your child into a good, well-balanced person because I feel like I learned that on my own for the most part. I guess you just do your best and that's all anyone can do. And I won't have to do it on my own, which is so reassuring. I just want this child to have better and be better than me.

So, sometime around June 21st this baby (a Gemini or Cancer, right on the cusp!) we will be bringing a new life into the world. A little Seprodi. I had convinced myself that maybe this couldn't happen; that I wasn't meant to carry a child for whatever reason and now this blessing. I still can't quite believe it, but I'm overjoyed :)

Weight Watchers

This is my 3rd week on Weight Watchers. I didn't get to start it as early as I wanted, but a few weeks ago, I was able to bite the bullet and spend the money. I was super excited about the online program and the ease of tracking points. There is so much at your finger tips with the etools you get once you join...too much in my opinion. I don't know if I need a major tutorial or what, but I've clicked on every tab/link possible and I still don't know what half the stuff is. I'm sure it's very useful, but right now, I only use the points tracker and occasionally the recipe finder. Maybe it's me. I don't have it readily available on my phone (no smartphone here, kids!), so it annoys me to do it anywhere else but while I'm at work with a fast internet that I can just plug those babies in and see where I am point-wise for the rest of the day. Translation: I almost never use it on the weekends. We travel a lot, especially lately visiting family and spending a lot of time outdoors. I just don't use it during this time, nor do I track points by hand because I can't plug them in to decide the point value. Yes, I'm sure buying the little calculator and all the other merch. they throw at you during the meetings would be helpful, but I really don't want to spend a bunch of $. Whiny, I know right? 

I initially tried just doing the online thing alone, but quickly realized the meetings would be the clincher for me. It was even more $, but I think it was worth it. Now lets look at just how "worth it" it is in the numbers. The first week I gained a pound. I wasn't too upset, because this is just how I am when I'm starting a new thing. The next week was just coming off of 4th of July parties, which of course, were nothing but cook-outs with yummy food. I went overboard. I had this terrible, embarrassed feeling walking up to the scales. I knew I hadn't even really tried and it was going to show. Big time. I lost 1.8 lbs. This week I did pretty well for myself and gained .4 lbs. Overall, I'm staying within a 1 lb weight loss/gain. I'm not doing something right, obviously. The lady at the scales gave me a sympathetic, but disapproving smile and said "Hope this week is better for you". That's all I ever go on is "hoping" this week will be different. Hope is kind of the last thing I need right now because all I do is rest on it. 

I noticed that when I'm at meetings, I'm pumped. I raise my hand and answer questions, tell about my struggles and I'm more than willing to hog meeting times to get all my stuff out there. Everything that is talked about during the meetings seems so manageable and doable that I leave super positive and ready to get going on a great week. It takes little more than walking through my front door for those feelings to all but disappear. I can watch all of the moving shows on TV and think if they can do it, so can I! Almost as soon as they end, I'm over it. 

For the past few weeks, I've been getting incredibly shaky when I wake up in the morning and then again right before bed. My heart does a strange skipping of beats a couple of times a day out of no where. I feel like my blodd sugar must be completely out of whack, but I'm too afraid to have it checked out. Until now, I haven't even told anyone about these symptoms. It's like I'm refusing to think that I'll ever go from pre-diabetic to actually having diabetes or something else that is caused by my weight. We are also still having trouble conceiving, which I'm also sure is due somewhat to my weight as well. Why is it that even writing out what I know doesn't convince me that my weight is no longer a back-burner problem. Even if it never truly held me back from doing anything I wanted to do in my life before IT IS NOW. It's all about right now and how the choices I'm making will effect my future, if I even have one.

I think my plan to get help in several different areas with concentrating in one area at a time is just not going to work. I need to address the psychological part of my problem while I'm looking at what I eat and for the love of God, EXERCISE for once in my life. I found an online support group that has conference call meetings on Saturdays. It's free and newbies can call in and join from around the country. I'm going to check it out tomorrow. 

That's all I've got for right now. If it's beyond frustrating reading about how hard-headed/lazy I am, imagine howover myself I am at this point. One of the things we talked about at WW last week was asking ourselves what do we need to succeed at this? No matter what we come up with, write it down. Here's what I have come up with.

1. Knowledge--I need to relearn how to eat, grocery shop, cook (well, learn for the first time really).

                        I need to learn about what I'm putting into my body. I need to learn how to eat for fuel and

                        for enjoyment only.

                        I need to learn how to work out for MY body. Starting off by just doing something is better

                        than nothing though. 

2. Routine-- I need to know what I'm eating at all meals and when those meals/snacks will happen.

                   I need to get physical activity in like it's just part of living; like it's as natural as breathing.

                   I need to plan my life around food and exercise because if not, I won't even think twice about it

3. Time & Money-- pretty self-explanatory. I'd like to say that eating healthy is expensive and if I had a

                               personal trainor than, WOW, I'd be smoking hot, but really, I don't think these are real

                               issues.

4. To live in a plastic bubble where there are no temptations or opportunities to over-ear or not exercise.

Leave it at the door

It's almost funny to me that my last post was about the progress I had made, when in the last 2 months since then, I've really fallen off the wagon in a big way. If there is one thing about me, I'm an all or nothing kind of person. When I'm on, I'm really on and when I'm off, wow....it's scary. I'm like that in most areas of my life. When I care about someone, it's with my whole heart and soul. When I start projects, I want to see that every detail is completed to perfection. When I make up my mind to not give a hoot what kind or how much food I'm putting into my body, it's back to border-line binge eating. That's what I've been doing off and on over the last two months.

I'd like to say I was doing well and just gradually started to get back to my old ways, but there's never anything gradual about my ups and downs with eating and exercising. Looking back at my last post, I should have known it was coming on. The mental exhaustion was a huge red flag. What I couldn't predict was that I'd also be all of the sudden going through some pretty horrid physical problems as well. I won't go into detail, but most of the time I'm completely drained of energy and in pain. We've had another significant health issue come up in our family and the worry from that can just about bury a person. I can't say that working out has been at the top of my priority list, but if I was getting some kind of help to deal with some of the psychological factors of my overall problem with eating and exercising, I might have been able to avoid getting into this place that I'm at now. 

There. That is DONE. Poor me, there are my excuses, that is what I should've, could've and would've done. I'm leaving them here on this blog and they are not coming back with me. Today starts a week off of work. I really feel like I'm so incredibly overdue for a mental break from the daily grind that this alone lifts my spirits in a big way. I'm making plans for the week to do the following: take care of me. I'm going to sleep in, get our finances in order, make doctor's appointments, spend time with family and friends and do things that make me happy. I'm going to go to the gym and do what I can to get myself back in the mindset of enjoying working out (believe it or not, I had actually gotten to that place) and work my way up to what I was doing before. I'm going to go back to writing down what I eat and as of June 6ish, I'm joining Weight Watchers. I know this is a "diet" of sorts and I was all about not doing that, but I've done my homework and this seems like something I should put my good $ and faith in for the time being. I have several friends that have been very successful with it and that gives me motivation. It may not work for me, but I'm going to give it my absolute best. I don't feel like I'm starting from scratch this time because I did have a few things going that seemed to be working or at least getting me in the right direction. This makes me not feel nearly as hopeless as I thought I'd feel. 

So here we go again and like always, I'll need all the support and advice I can get :)

Progress

I finally have been able to make myself sit down and catch up a little! I'd just love to say that I've been away for almost 2 months because I auditioned for the Biggest Loser and made the show, but no such luck. Not even a preliminary call back. I was really proud of myself for standing out, showing my personality and just making sure I didn't take myself or the happenings of the day too seriously. I was very surprised to find that I was among the smallest looking girls there. I honestly believe that put me at a big disadvantage for anyone from the show who might have looked at me and then looked to the several girls around me and thought, um okay you don't need us as much as some of these people do. That might have been true. Some people looked almost immobile, which scared me to death. I wondered if some of the dirty looks I received were from those who might have been thinking "I remember when I used to look that small". All the while I'm tetering on 300lbs and can't fit into any of my clothing.

Since then I've had my ups and downs, but I can honestly say that overall, I've been doing much, much better with both getting physical activity in more and eating better. I was on a kick for a few weeks where I would do well with eating well during the week and just BLOW it on the weekends, eating whatever I wanted and in what ever portions. I noticed that I literally gained back 2 of the 4 lbs I had been down in one weekend. Since we go to stay at Josh's parents house nearly every weekend in TH in order to visit my stepson and family, we don't have to make the meals. Everything always tastes so much better when someone else makes in and lets be honest, buys it. So, I've made a concentrated effort to still give myself at least one day to not stress or worry about anything that I eat, but still keep my portions in control. That's my attempt at a compromise.

Another big change has been making sure I get some kind of exercise in 4-5 days a week. Even if it's a 30-minute brisk walk outside. I feel so much better doing this. I've been able to spend more time outside with the nice weather and that makes me happy. I have had some harder and longer workouts in the gym lately as well. It helps me a lot to switch it up, since I get so bored, so quickly. I haven't found incredible motivation in terms of dropping lbs. I genuinely feel physically bad when I've skipped a day of working out though. It's been somewhat of a teter-totter of losing a few lbs, gaining it back, and losing it again. I know one thing is for sure, my friends and family members can alter one tiny thing in their diet or exercise regime and lose 15 lbs in what seems to be a blink of an eye. For whatever reason, my body is holding on to this weight for dear life and cannot pull numbers like that. I've been more than tempted by the results of others around me to do something drastic even if just for a little while just to see something, anything. But I realize that is not my goal at this point. I really feel as if my goal is to have a healthier lifestyle. Once I feel comfortable in this, than I can move on to the next step of real weight loss....right? What I'm doing might be not what everyone else is doing, but I'm not doing this for anyone else. 

It's still mentally exhausting and I could be doing more, but I'm not going to discredit how far I've come so far:) 

3 Months Ago

Like everyone else in the world, I really don't know where the time goes anymore. The days run into each other when all you do is sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, you catch my drift. Then again they run into each other if your life is one big ball of excitement too, I suppose. 

Things aren't really moving along like I'd like them to. I have my steady weeks at the gym and my weeks where I don't make it in at all. My meals this week have been delicious and terrible for me. I've had ice cream just about every night for dessert this week because, again, I feel like I have to have something sweet each time I have a meal. Last night was the exception when I had a cup of tea instead of dessert. I really should stick with the tea. 

I was in a car accident with my Dad and sister over the weekend and have been instructed to stay away from the gym this entire week and maybe longer. It's almost laughable right? We were very lucky not to be injured more than we were and I'm thankful for that, but really? I don't need another set-back here!

On the bright side, I'm going to be traveling to Indy at the end of the month to audition for The Biggest Loser and I'm super excited. Do I think I'll actually make the show? Um, YES! We probably won't in real life, but I think I have as good a shot as anyone. I've got a sob story and a good face for it! I'm also sending in a video. I'm also going to do my community's version of the BL as well. It starts next week and goes until mid-April. The person who loses the most amount of weight wins $500, so why not try it. I did it last year and didn't lose a single lb. This year is still different. It's still THE year and it's not too late. I'm not saying my losing weight is dependent on this show or that competition, but it's the magical "m" word that I'm always looking for and would take from any place I can get it. Motivation. 

Oh, one more thing. This is a blog to put all my stuff out there right? Well, I weighed myself 2 weeks ago tomorrow and I was at 296 lbs. That's a gain of 10 lbs since I started this blog which was exactly 3 months ago. I don't see how that could be possible, but there it is. I'm not weighing myself again for a few more weeks at least. I think if I was at or over the 300 mark, I don't even know what I would do or think. 

More to come soon....

Backwards

I can't seem to get back in the flow of things lately. I did great for a week. I was eating multiple small meals and healthy snacks during the day. I went to the gym 4 times which is crazy for me. I felt hungry everyday, but not uncomfortably so, more like I was successfully shrinking my stomach. I got full much faster than usual. Then came last week and that all went to hell in a hand basket. I've gained 4 lbs total since Christmas, one of which I gained during my "good" week. It's discouraging to say the least.

I've recently discovered a group of weight-loss blogs that I'm keeping up on that are full of good tips and advice. I've gotten more recipes together, none of which I've tried yet. I watched "Heavy" on A&E last night and just thought to myself, my gosh, that is me. One of the people on their actually weighed less than I do now when the 6 months of weightloss training and nutritional guidance ended. It's incredibly scary to me to think about getting to the point where I can barely fit in a car, a seat in a plane, or even walk. I feel like I'm almost there now so what is my problem?

When I went to visit my best friend Amy in Boston in September, I remember latching the seatbelt on the plane to the very last notch. And it was tight. I was horrified when I got there and we walked so much around the city that I thought I would literally start bawling because of the pain in my legs and feet (granted I was wearing horrible shoes, but still). By the time the last day came of the trip, we were sitting and resting more than we were walking. I had such a great time, but I can't deny that my inability to be mobile severely affected the success of the trip.

I constantly look at myself in the mirror these days and instead of being grossed out, I'm just shocked. Not even by how I look, I've gotten way past that point, just shocked that I still don't have it in me to change. I cannot identify the problem no matter how hard I try. I can't reteach myself to think, eat, grocery shop, exercise and live, on my own. The blogs, shows, recipes, work-out DVD's and everything else isn't going to change that. I would love to be able to do this with kind words and support, but that doesn't get me to the gym. 

The one thing I did pick up from that show, was how much I need to address the psychological aspects of this process. It's not something I can just look into or put off anymore. I'll need some serious luck finding someone who specializes in what I'm looking for in this area of the universe, that's for sure. I also need a physical trainer that will work for only me and for free, any takers?

A New No-Resolution Year

I'm back from the holiday hiatus! Actually, the absence was a lot less about the hustle and bustle of the holiday season and much more about my overall lack of energy and almost flat-lined brainwaves. I literally felt like I was barely going to make it through the rest of this pretty horrid year. Despite having a lovely Christmas with family, New Years' was what I couldn't wait for (and not because of the adult beverages!). I know there's nothing magical about a new year. You don't become a new person and the problems you had before do not cease to exist with Jan 1st coming along. Even so, I felt so good about the future after ringing in the new year with friends. It was like walking outside in the bitter cold and a gust of wind snapping you awake. I felt like this was it. It had to be the year when everything changed.
Bad luck (or maybe karma from another lifetime?) never strays far from us though and a new year could not prevent us from being side-lined in at least one way. However, we have chosen to not take the situation as a negative and just go with it. I tetered on the edge of throwing up my hands and saying ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! and just throwing in the towel. Throwing in the towel on January 3rd is really not the route I want to go for a bright, new and shiny year. I promised myself no new years resolutions just overall change.
So, I'm back to focusing on the things I can control in my life. That being my food intake and exercise for the time being. Since the new year I've been doing really well for my standards on watching what I eat. Portion control has been a biggie. I'm admittingly hungrier than usual, but I also get full faster and from smaller amounts of food. I've been doing this for 5 days and I've been able to shrink my stomach and hopefully keep it that way. I'm eating healthy snacks throughout my day. It helps to be able to go on a $215 grocery run and stock up on good things to eat. Will I get to continue doing that? Probably not, but it's a start. It's more expensive to eat healthy. Period. Sucks!

I've also been going to the gym. Have I been in everyday and doing kickbutt workouts? No, but I'm doing something consistently so far, and I'm proud of that. Here's where I need the help. I get so bored at the gym, that I want to just tear my hair out. I need some fun music to keep on my IPOD for workouts.

Think sexy-bounce-to-the-beat music like Beyonce, the Pussycat Dolls or Rhianna. I love that kind of stuff for workouts. I imagine myself as those ladies and that's bigtime motivation. I also like various tempos and styles for other parts of my workout, but for cardio--mostly tasteless and sugary pop music.
So, let me know what music motivates you, please. Cool-down, cardio, anything, I want to know!


Here's to a very happy and healthy NEW YEAR!

sleep mode

My apologies for the lack of keeping up with you, dear blog. Things have been more hectic and stressful then usual and I really had to force myself to sit down and write today. You'd think with all the frustration and negativity going on in my life from just about all sides, I'd have a lot of steam to blow off huh? Not the case for some reason

.

I need some downtime and relaxation now more than I think I've ever needed it in recent memory. I keep telling myself that if I can just get through the rest of this year, then I can start fresh in 2011. Right now, I'm sucking at everything and that is not just me being hard on myself. 

I've committed to a lot of things recently: being a CASA volunteer, starting to live a healthier lifestyle, researching what it is I want to do next professionally, pursuing my master's, being better with finances, etc. I have not been putting nearly 50% of myself into any of these things. Even my day to day activities at work and at home are suffering. I'm not sure when life became all about just barely getting through the day with my sanity, just to start the whole process again the next day, but it's happening now and has been for awhile. I just need time. Sweet, precious, unattainable time. Not even time to do it all, just time to think about it all and get my priorites straight. I need a plan and I need one now.

One might look at this and think whoa, sister, it may be time to get on some meds. I've been on some meds and I'm not nearly to the point I was when I needed them. This is me realizing that I might be going down that path again.

I think I've decided to do the best I can possibly do right now which is: take the rest of the year off. No more thinking about any of the above on a constant basis. I'm ready to say goodbye to this year and good riddance!

Starting small

I'm done whining now. Cue applause! I whine a lot when it comes to all of this and I've accepted that this is just part of the journey. Set-backs and whining come with it. I'm brushing all of that off and I just have to say, I might be very unlucky in a few areas of my life, but having great friends is not one of those areas. Throughout all of the rough areas in my life with family, finances, love (until I met Joshua, of course), school, etc--I've always been very fortunate to have a lot of strong friendships. Friends have often been the one and only thing to get me through some of the really bad stuff. It makes me so happy to have the support of so many friends right now with all of this. Emails, comments, phone calls and letters have been very important to keeping me going. I'm actually going to print off a lot of the written stuff and keep it in my book, just to remind myself to hang in there. 

After speaking with a couple of said friends, I have decided to set several very small goals that I feel like I won't so easily break all of the time. If I do, tomorrow is another day to try again. Here is what I've come up with to start with:

1. Make one healthy complete meal for dinner each week (one that I make, not Josh)

2. Have one day a week where I can eat whatever I want and not stress about it one bit

3. 30-45 minutes of cardio two times a week

4. Eat more veggies

5. Zero fast food

6. Research counselors in the area

7. Research various exercises I can do at home

8. Use small plates

9. Single helpings only

10. No food after 7:30pm on the weekdays

I'm going to try this for 2 weeks and come back to it to re-evaluate and see what I can increase and what is not working for me. I'm going to start this on Sunday because I always choose Mondays for my start dates on things and I don't know why. I'm going to have a weekly check in with my good friend, Angie to keep my focus.

Here's to small wonders...

Thanksgiving fail

I think the title says it all right there. I only had phone internet this week while we were back home for the holidays, so that is the reason for my hiatus. I really had to force myself to sit down and admit my wrong doings on here but here we are.

So I kept the grazing to a minimum, but I ate tons and tons. Most of the week it was only one large meal a day that we had, but oh my what a meal it was. Lots of starches and sweets. I barely moved all week too. I couldn't even hold out for some massive shopping on black Friday. I look and feel digusting and just all around at a low point. It didn't help matters that this was probably one of the worst holidays I've had recently in terms of family drama. I feel like I need a cleanse of some sort. I need a sauna, some kind of nutritional cleanse, multiple days in the gym and to rid myself completely of negative, self-involved people. All of which seem unattainable to me right now.

I feel overwhelmed, unmotivated and uninspired by life in general at this time in my life. Maybe it's the holidays. To quote one of my favorite movies, Untamed Heart, (I'm a Christian Slater fangirl) "It's not right to feel sh*tty this time of year, but ya know everybody does".

Psycho-analyze this

Two blogs in one night is probably never going to happen again, but as I'm sitting here in our apartment with the windows open and the wind blowing like crazy (tornado?), I feel like I should write again, so I'm going with it. 

The holiday season is very bittersweet for me, mainly for one reason. I don't really get to see most of my family members. With my dad working out of town and moving from place to place, it's hard to narrow down and time and date to spend time with him with all of us girls. There is also the issue of him not appreciating my husband for the wonderful person that he is, but that is a whole other can of worms we won't go into. I haven't spent the last 2 or 3 Thanksgivings with my mom for obvious reasons and it looks like this year will be no exception. 

Without going into the long and drawn out story of my life, let's just say I've spent a great deal of it on the receiving end of a very negative and controlling force. As a child, you aren't able to exactly choose who is in your life and who isn't. I had a lot of freedom to do what I wanted as a teenager, but I didn't have the ability to get away from people who consciously tried to break me down to feeling like I was worth nothing. However it appeared to those around me, to me, it was abuse. Extreme psychological and emotional abuse. I feel like I lived in a household where I couldn't control anything around me. It's only natural to me that maybe food was the one thing I could control in my own home. Meals were always good and plentiful in my house amid the constant chaos. Of course, it was a comfort too. I'm not a "sad" eater, I'm a "happy", "sad", "angry", "excited", "bored", basically any kind of emotion,eater.

Things are a lot different in my life now, although they didn't have to be. I chose to remove myself from that situation and not look back or give it. I'm beyond proud of myself and I know how far I'm come from the child that I was going through all of that. I also know that if someone dug into the issues I have even slightly, a lot of emotions and thoughts about the past would be at the root of it all. That is scary to me. It makes me think that exploring therapy as an option would just be back-peddling. I've dealt with this part of my life by being resilient and rising above it. Turning away and not getting sucked into the black hole of it all has needlessly cost me so much. It's been painful and heart-breaking, but it's something I had to do in order to be the person I wanted to be. Really, it's what I had to do if I wanted to just plain be okay. 

I'm afraid delving back into it would just be another set-back. No, I do not care enough to go up to this person and be like this is what you did to me and blah, blah, blah. Closure, let's be friends--I don't think so. I'm not harboring hate, I just have no interest in it at all. It's like the idea of playing video games. Do I loathe playing video games? No. Is my life missing something because I don't play video games. No. Will playing video games bring something spectacular into my life? No. There's just zero interest. Life is waaaay too short to bring anyone less than spectacular into your life (something I got from Ms. Angela Dawn Huxford) and I'm not about to start doing that now.  Basically if you are less than amazing, you can go on your way and I can go on mine.

So after that rant, I'm torn on what to think about therapy. I do think I need professional help with several issues, but at what cost? Let me tell you one thing: I'd rather have a short life being fat  than have a long life of being thin if it compromises the person I am right now. Period.

Set-back city

I swear my body knows when I'm starting to get a semi-healthy rhythm going. It realizes quickly that I'm working out at the gym and consuming garbage and then BAM! I get sick. Last week was spent nursing a nasty sore throat and lots of coughing and being unable to breathe. My inability to breathe is something that has been an issue for what feels like the entire year of 2010. I can just be sitting at my desk at work and feel like I'm struggling to get enough air. Add physical activity to that and yeah, it's not pretty. I can't understand why this happens to me every single time I try to better myself. Is it psychological? Could I actually be making myself sick over making a change?


Anyway, I worked out on Monday and no other time this past week. I didn't eat badly, but I didn't eat well. I didn't eat much at all until I felt better Friday and had take-out for lunch AND dinner, which I generally make a rule about not doing. It just kind of sickens me to do two meals in one day of meals outside the home. I had Wendy's and Denny's and a coney dog at the parade. Josh and I saw the new Harry Potter movie, talked a lot, enjoyed our community. Why did that all have to include an obscene amount of calories though? Why does any good time for me have to include food?


And here we are starting the week again. Not just any week; Thanksgiving week. I feel like I need to prepare myself mentally for holiday eating. I'm not a huge Thanksgiving food person, but my husband and his mom are putting together quite the spread this year, I must say. Because I'm not a big turkey fan, I usually load up on sides; sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, baked mac and cheese--you see where I'm going with this? If there are several items to choose from I feel like I need to have some of each thing. I don't think this would be so bad if I had a little of each thing and didn't just graze all day and all night long, like we usually do.


So, I need some advice again. What do you do over the holidays to reign in the grazing and over-eating? Any little tips, no matter how insignificant they might be would be a big help to me :)

Weekend Ruts

It's Monday night and I'm definitely coming off of one of my "eat whatever I see/want" weekends. We had a big, greasy, yummy and late breakfast-for-dinner on Friday night. Saturday I went to dinner w/ family and had a big, brown-sugared out sweet potato, prime rib and lots of bread and salad. Sunday was Steak N Shake, 'nuff  said there. The thing is, I didn't eat very much in between those meals. I never stay consistent with that. I will be good about eating breakfast, lunch and dinner throughout the week and then that goes to heck on the weekends when all I want to do is eat yummy food with the family. Skipping meals is bad and it causes me to consume a days (plus, sometimes) worth of calories in one meal. This will be something I try to work on in the future.
I like the idea of eating on a schedule. This is a sample of what I would like to stick to:

8:30am-- granola bar and apple w/ peanut butter
10:00am--yogurt or pudding cup
12:00pm--lunch
3:00pm--snack (insert idea here)
6:00pm-- dinner
7:30pm- snack
NO FOOD AFTER 7:30pm is a must!!

Anyway, I was feeling pretty down about the food choices I made this weekend. I had a crazy and blah Monday at work and I came home to find a gift from a friend that really cheered me up. She put together a book of recipes, advice and a very sweet letter encouraging me to do this. She has done it herself over a steady period of time and really is a model for what I hope to do myself. It was very inspiring and thoughtful to have something like that. I was having a hard time getting my "notebook" together and this provided a start for me, which was something I needed. I'm terrible at starting anything and everything in my life.

Also, I went to the gym with my sister-in-law tonight and got a good 45 min cardio workout in. I always watch everyone on the weight machines while I'm on the eliptical and try to keep how they are doing the movements in my mind so I can go over and mimick them. That never happens. I do not want to look like an idiot, examining the charts on how to actually work the machines. I just stay away from the scary things. Every once in awhile I'll pick up the dumbbells and move them around like I know what I'm doing. Once again, I don't. No one there is looking at me and its completely dumb to think that they are. It's not about that as much as it is that I want to be working the "right" muscles and not hurting myself or just wasting my time. So, I'll be looking into online demonstrations and such, but I need to know what's right for a beginner. And when I say beginner, wow, do I mean it.

That's all for now. I'll be going to the gym again tomorrow and trying to step up the cardio a bit more :) 

elephant in the room

So far in this blog, I've explained a lot of my reasoning for why I'm wanting to start the journey to get healthier and lose weight, but not what I'm currently doing now to begin this process. I wonder why I haven't mentioned this, hmmm. Let me tell you how well it's going so far...
This week was a crazy busy week for me at work and I did not go to the gym at all. I wasn't getting home until after 8pm from a 12 hour day and I just knew I wasn't going to throw the gym in there too. I'm not beating myself up over it, which is unusual, but instead I'm accepting it and telling myself yeah that sucks but tomorrow is a new week. A much, much less busy week. I can hit the gym next time at least 3 days. My current goal is to get in the gym at least 3 days a week for 45min-1 hr workouts. I've got a notebook of some sort that I'm going to fill with exercises, routines, advice, etc that I can keep with me for various reasons. I want to have a chart to fill in what days I complete what and for how long. I'm not counting the calories I've burned and I'm NOT weighing myself. Screw that. I won't be seeing scales anytime in the near future again. That feels very liberating. 
I also want to have a place for recipes, a food journal, advice from friends, etc. I want to plan out family meals a week at a time. I've found that if I know what I'm having for dinner over the next few nights, there is less opportunity to eat junk and I'm less anxious when I have a meal to look forward to. 

We went to the store on Sunday and these are a few things we picked up:
--grapes, string cheese,ritz crackers, apples, bananas, butterscotch pudding and granola bars all to be eaten for breakfasts and/or mid-morning snacks.
--tuna, deli meats, lean cuisines, 80 cal instant potatoes, hot dogs, stuff for salad and some nasty pre-grilled chicken patties that I just can't force down, all to be eaten during lunch 
-- meatloaf, stews, crab, salmon, marie calendars lasagna, taco salad to be made this week for dinners.


I did go out to dinner with co-workers one night this week for business and had huge portion of chicken parm of which I only ate barely half of. Not because I wanted to or didn't have the room for it. I was among professionals and I didn't want to look like the piglet of the group. Especially when they all had much smaller portions and couldn't finish half of their meals without being "stuffed". When we got up to leave, I did feel nourished, but not full. This is one of my biggest problems ever. When I eat a meal I HAVE to feel full, very full before I'm satisfied. I took the rest over to Josh while he was at work, but I seriously considered taking it home and finishing it. And guess what? I was mad about it. Not super mad, not mad for very long, but I was mad that I didn't get to finish my good meal. For those of you who like to dissect "issues", there's plenty for you right here to go nuts over!


As you can see, my food options during the day are lacking. I usually get in a very tasty dinner, courtesy of my husband who is a fabulous cook, so really it's my lunches that usually suck. I'm so disheartened by the lackluster choices waiting for me at home that I order take-out or go to the drive-thru. Granted, I only do this about 1 time a week (due to not having the $) but I'm so sick of frozen lunches and tuna every single day. I have an hour for lunch and it is the quickest hour of the day by far, so everything I eat has to be made in 40 min or less if you don't count the 10 min I take to get home and 10 to get back to the office ( I like to be early getting back). 


So far, my notebook is empty. I have lots of ideas of what to put in this thing and still nothing. It's taking the step to compile it all and organize it into what I want. It's just another way to put off getting healthy, right?  Lazy, right? None of that negativity is going to help me do this, no matter how true it may be. I've got to get up and get moving.

Inspiration

There are a ton of reasons why I want to lose weight and get healthy. There's no reason not to want those things.In the past, it's been that I wanted to be a hottie. Plain and simple. After spending the majority of my life being the "friend" to many of the guys I've wanted to be in a relationship with, I've always carried the reality with me that it didn't matter how good of a listener I was, how interesting, how genuine, sweet, cool, whatever...I just didn't have the goods to make a romantic interest anything but platonic. I've never had the delusion that physical attraction doesn't matter. It's incredibly important. I for one, have never been attracted to bigger guys. I've always had a thing for the most unattainable sort: skinny, long hair, mysterious, usually a musician, you get the picture. Don't get me wrong, I have had a few guys fall for me. I have broken some hearts, people. They were always the hearts of sweet guys I just wasn't into though.  When I met my husband, I experienced for the first time in my life a mutual attraction on all levels. I experienced for the first time truly falling in love. I thought I had fallen in love before once or twice, but no. I had been the queen of unrequited love, but not true love. True love is something experienced by both parties involved.

Now I'm not saying I wouldn't have a good laugh if I lost a bunch of weight, saw a couple of those old friends I was in love with and them think I was "the one that got away" or something along those lines. Who wouldn't enjoy someone from your past realizing too late what you always knew back then. That they totally missed out on what might of been the best person to walk into their lives! In saying that, being a hottie is no longer my primary concern. Except if it comes to being a hottie for my husband, of course.

I have come to the point in my life where I am ready to be a mother. I know the thought of having children at my age makes some of my college friends visibly shudder, but it's true for me. I've felt the emotional change for about 2 years now and I feel like I am fully ready at this point. Financially and physically, nope no way. Mentally and emotionally, check. Josh and I both want to have a big family. He has 2 brothers and a sister, and they are all pretty close. I love the idea of having 3 or 4, including my stepson. I have gone through most of my life knowing exactly what kind of mother I will and won't be based on my own experiences as a child. I'm not at the point where I feel like I can now live up to my own expectations in that department. I know I won't have perfect kids. I know I won't be able to protect them from everything or prevent certain unfortunate things from happening in their lives. One thing I can at least try to do, is give them the tools to be healthy. I want my kids to want to eat fruits and veggies and play outside instead of being consumed by TV and videogames. I'm a big believer in the idea that you can't expect your kids to do/not do something if you are not a living example of what you are teaching them. I cannot be fat and lazy and not expect my kids to be the same way, in a nutshell. Or maybe worse, be so embarrassed by me that they treat overweight children (or anyone different from them) badly, which I absolutely will not tolerate for one second. My kids may be a lot of things one day, but I will not have mean children.

I am also concerned with how dangerous it would be for myself and my child to get pregnant at the weight I'm at now. I most certainly would have a high risk pregnancy and that scares me to death. What if I, simply by not taking care of myself properly, actually caused my baby to be not well? How selfish is that? I'm not on board to even want to risk that. I'm somewhat lucky in the sense that my weight has not caused a lot of medical issues. I have perfect blood pressure and cholesterol levels. I'm not diabetic. yet. My asthma is noticeably the worst it's been since I was very little. I could have all of these medical issues in an instant.

My dad was our playmate growing up and still is for my 10 year old sister. He would always get down on the floor and play with our toys, chase us, play hide and seek, all the fun stuff that tires you out fast. I wonder if I could do any of that with a child. I think so many parents don't actually play with their kids anymore and I don't want to be like that. My weight would be the one thing that would hold me back in that area.

In all, I'm making the change for myself and my future. Even in typing that out I'm doubtful of myself. I haven't felt an enormous difference within myself from all the other 400 times I've tried to make a change. There hasn't been something that has "clicked" for me yet. But, as a good friend recently told me, I need to be taking baby steps here. Slow and steady wins the race:)