I finally have been able to make myself sit down and catch up a little! I'd just love to say that I've been away for almost 2 months because I auditioned for the Biggest Loser and made the show, but no such luck. Not even a preliminary call back. I was really proud of myself for standing out, showing my personality and just making sure I didn't take myself or the happenings of the day too seriously. I was very surprised to find that I was among the smallest looking girls there. I honestly believe that put me at a big disadvantage for anyone from the show who might have looked at me and then looked to the several girls around me and thought, um okay you don't need us as much as some of these people do. That might have been true. Some people looked almost immobile, which scared me to death. I wondered if some of the dirty looks I received were from those who might have been thinking "I remember when I used to look that small". All the while I'm tetering on 300lbs and can't fit into any of my clothing.
Since then I've had my ups and downs, but I can honestly say that overall, I've been doing much, much better with both getting physical activity in more and eating better. I was on a kick for a few weeks where I would do well with eating well during the week and just BLOW it on the weekends, eating whatever I wanted and in what ever portions. I noticed that I literally gained back 2 of the 4 lbs I had been down in one weekend. Since we go to stay at Josh's parents house nearly every weekend in TH in order to visit my stepson and family, we don't have to make the meals. Everything always tastes so much better when someone else makes in and lets be honest, buys it. So, I've made a concentrated effort to still give myself at least one day to not stress or worry about anything that I eat, but still keep my portions in control. That's my attempt at a compromise.
Another big change has been making sure I get some kind of exercise in 4-5 days a week. Even if it's a 30-minute brisk walk outside. I feel so much better doing this. I've been able to spend more time outside with the nice weather and that makes me happy. I have had some harder and longer workouts in the gym lately as well. It helps me a lot to switch it up, since I get so bored, so quickly. I haven't found incredible motivation in terms of dropping lbs. I genuinely feel physically bad when I've skipped a day of working out though. It's been somewhat of a teter-totter of losing a few lbs, gaining it back, and losing it again. I know one thing is for sure, my friends and family members can alter one tiny thing in their diet or exercise regime and lose 15 lbs in what seems to be a blink of an eye. For whatever reason, my body is holding on to this weight for dear life and cannot pull numbers like that. I've been more than tempted by the results of others around me to do something drastic even if just for a little while just to see something, anything. But I realize that is not my goal at this point. I really feel as if my goal is to have a healthier lifestyle. Once I feel comfortable in this, than I can move on to the next step of real weight loss....right? What I'm doing might be not what everyone else is doing, but I'm not doing this for anyone else.
It's still mentally exhausting and I could be doing more, but I'm not going to discredit how far I've come so far:)
