12 weeks

12 weeks...I feel like I've been waiting for so long to get to this milestone. I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet, but this is a milestone that I've very happy to have reached! The last few weeks or so, I've been feeling less and less pregnant for many reasons and have been counting down the days and hours to get to our 12 week baby appointment today. I just wanted to hear the heartbeat and know that my baby was still in there and doing alright. Thankfully, my mind was put at ease :)
I belong to a first time moms birth month (June 2012) club online and it seems like literally on a daily basis 1-3 people say there goodbyes and wish the rest of us luck because theyve gone to their 12 week check ups and found out they lost their babies for one reason or another. I've become more and more afraid this was going to be the case with me that by the time today got here, I was a nervous wreck. I have a bacterial infection that has gotten close to getting in my kidneys and even though I was reassured the baby was fine and wasn't being hurt or put in danger as of yet (an actual kidney infection might be another story), I was still freaking out about it.  I also haven't gained any weight, felt any movement and been barely sick or felt any other symptoms the past few weeks. I've read that it makes girls feel somewhat more at ease when they spend their days with their heads in the toilet because at least they know the baby is in there and they are experiencing normal pregnancy symptoms. I was even getting to the point lately where I was mentally trying to disconnect a little from the baby by not thinking about being pregnant as much and stopping talking to it, etc, JUST in case, I had lost it. Once again, no real reason to think that, but I was almost convinced when we went to the dct today. Not to mention the dream I had last night that I had actually lost the baby while at work.
Once we were there and went through my history w/ the nurse, she got the Doppler ready to listen to the heartbeat. After telling me not to be alarmed if it takes a little time to hear/find it, she started moving it all around to look for the heartbeat. After awhile, she decided to try another machine, because all we were picking up was my heartbeat. After what seemed like seriously forever, she went to go get yet another machine and I couldn't help it....the tears started to flow and I could feel/hear my own heartbeat speeding up and my breathing getting shallow. So much for that disconnecting, huh? All I could do was look at the ceiling and just say "please, please, please God". Finally, she stopped and said "oh wait I think that was it". I snapped my head up a little and strained to listen, but couldn't hear anything at all. She said it was moving around. Finally, finally we suddenly heard a tiny, strong and fast heartbeat of 163 (still higher--girl?). It was like it was saying I've been here the whole time, just hiding out! I cried of course and thankfully Josh was right next to me to comfort me through all of it. I couldn't tell for sure, but I think he and possibly the nurse, were getting worried at one point too. I feel such a huge relief that I can't even explain.
Everything else looked good so far. The dct wasn't fantastic, but she was definitely thorough. She didn't hesitate to comment on my weight and note that I really need to watch it, which I was aware of obviously. So far, I haven't gained anything yet. I think it always startles medical people when I let them know that actually, I already do drink almost nothing but water and don't eat a TON of food at every sitting. It's almost like they get a flash of "well then why do you look like you do" that comes across their face. My BP is good and the infection is getting cleared up. They took a bunch of blood to test and 3 hours later, we were on our way!

Next appt is January 5th...we will find out the gender of the baby the first week of Feb :)

Not so fast!

So, I might of spoke too soon a bit on the whole not experiencing a lot of symptoms. Thanksgiving was kind of a bust unfortunately. Something about all of the smells at once made me literally sick. I got a plate, put one thing on it and thought OMG, I've got to make a run for it. I still managed to enjoy some food, but not nearly as much as I wanted. The day after Thanksgiving was pretty awful. I threw up the entire morning, was super dizzy, pulse racing and just didn't want to move all day. The worst part was that I of course, had plans to see out of town friends and go to my dad's Thanksgiving all in Indy, which I had to abruptly cancel. I just couldn't have made it all that way in the car and then would have been the worst company ever on top of that. I literally stayed in my pj's that entire day and the majority of Saturday. Today was mostly good though. I got to eat a little bit more. Overall, I'd say the vote is that this baby does not enjoy Thanksgiving food. No way. Maybe next Thanksgiving will be better for he or she!

I keep counting various things as being "Baby's First ____" while it's still in the womb. Silly I know, but it's been kind of fun so far. Baby's First Movie: Breaking Dawn (very appropriate I'd say), First Concert: Fleet Foxes, First Family Photo: today, First Thanksgiving: kinda didn't go well, etc, etc. I just want to write all the little things I've thought about so far while being pregnant. Like how it will be #2 for great-grandchildren on one side of the family and #9 on the other and that I'd really like to get a pic with the great-grandparents with a little sign with the number and arrow pointing to my belly. There's just so much to think about :)

It's very strange to experience so many changes in your body. I feel strange sensations all the time and think omg, what was that? Is that normal? It seems like there is a new change everyday and it's definitely an adjustment. I'm ready to not feel this tired. I have a 4:30ish nap everyday that I can't sleep in and I literally feel like I will just topple over asleep if I don't have it. Seeing as though I'm missing it right now, I think I'll save writing for another day :)

Little things

So far so good. I feel really very lucky right now to be experiencing little to no symptoms of pregnancy as of yet other than the occasional wave of nausea and throwing up just twice since finding out I'm pregnant. I have however experienced some weirdness in the past couple of days that I thought I would note in here. One, driving/riding in a car seems to be not good at all. It leaves me feeling dizzy, sick and just gross.Also, last night, on the way home from being gone all weekend, for no apparent reason when talking very calmly about plans for what we need to look at (aka finances) before the baby comes, I burst in to tears without warning and hyperventilated to the point that Josh had to pull over so that I could get some air. I didn't feel sad or upset, it just happened and then almost as quickly, it was over. First significant hormone-y mood shift? I think so! Looking forward to more of that, yeah right :) I've also been incredibly dizzy and nauseated today without much let up. Exhausted. Super exhausted. Other than that, doing well and moving into the 10 week!

Thanksgiving will be 10 weeks and that is when I believe we are going to announce it to everyone (i.e. Facebook). I wanted to (and probably should) wait a little longer, but there has been many almost slip-ups and I don't want to worry about that. I just want to get it out there and let people know. I hope and pray something doesn't happen and I don't also have to announce that. I'm always praying that God will want us to have this baby and that it will be healthy. I'm also going to cut my friends list down. MAJORLY.

I'm reading a lot and have signed up for newsletters and all kinds of stuff that overload me on a daily basis with what I should and should not be doing/expecting. Looking at baby names, since if it's a boy, we have zero names we are able to agree on right now and the girls' name I've had picked out since I was 15 years old is now a variation of the #1 most popular girls name right now (thanks, Twilight). My heart is set on Isabel. Not Isabella or Bella, but Isabel. I'm sure she would be Isabel S. out of 5 girls in each class in school, but I just can't shake it. It was going to be Isabel Sophia, but Sophia happens to be #2 on the most popular list, so we are scratching that. I'd like the middle name for a boy to be after one of my host brothers from the DR, either Luis (Louis) or Fran (Frank). My due date is right in between both of their birthdays, which I think is awesome :) Shantel is the name of my host sister, who I also love and I love her name. I just want the names to mean something, so I'm going to get a list of family names and go from there.

That's all for now. I'm off to my mandated 10pm bedtime that I look so forward to every night. Thankful :)

The best kind of news..EVER.

I took this Halloween off to spend with my best friend of several years, Ms. Amy, in Indianapolis. She is having twin girls in Februrary and I hadn't see her since she told us she was pregnant and was long overdue for a visit. It was so great to talk for hours about her pregnancy, the hopes and fears that come along with this time in her life and hopes and fears for even after the girls are born and grow into adults. I of course, talked about my own struggles to get pregnant over the past year and she equipped me with an ovulation kit, books and all kinds of tools to prepare for and perhaps enhance my chances a bit. She even gave me her left over pregnancy tests from the rest of the box she didn't use because those suckers are expensive. We laughed jokingly as I left to head home saying "ooo maybe these have some luck on them!".

I have been checking every single month to see if I'm pregnant, because after stopping birth control last December, I've been very, very irregular. I didn't have a period in Sept, but checked and nothing. I woke up the next day, Nov 1st and though oh what the heck, it's about that time of the month to check anyway, why not? I did my thing and rushed around to finish getting ready for work. I went back to check and gasped! There was an ever-so-slight second pink line. I said a loud "Oh my GOD!" and ran up the stairs to wake my sleeping husband to make sure I was reading it correctly. After confirming with him, we both sat there on the bed, stunned and smiling. I still didn't believe it, so I went on to work in a daze. I counted down the minutes to my lunch break and took the other test in the package. Same thing. I had to call someone, so who better than the very person who apparently DID give me good luck! Amy was estatic of course, and advised me to get a blood test. We did this and it was confirmed an hour later....we are having a baby!

Since I've been so irregular, I wasn't able to pinpoint how far along I was at all. I was guessing anywhere from 5-13 weeks. It was very scary to think that I might be even out of my first trimester already, so we made an appt asap. We told our families and just a few close friends and made the first dct's appt. I have heard less than great things about the OB doctors around here so we went to TH to Dr. Sakbun's practice. He felt around on my lower tummy and guessed I was no more than 7-7 1/2 weeks and sent us on our way. No ultrasound or anything. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled about this, nor how quickly we were seen and dismissed, so after careful consideration, we have decided to see Dr. Mahan here in town.

This morning was our first ultrasound...FINALLY. I was so suprised to be able to see the little heart fluttering as soon as the technician put the utltrasound wand-thingy on me. It was absolutely amazing and surreal. He measured the baby to be about 2.2 centimeters at 9 weeks along tomorrow and had us listen to the heartbeat. It became real to me in that moment that there is an actual LIFE inside of me that I'm carrying. I will never, ever forget that feeling. The heartrate was 174 which was on the higher side, but good. They say faster heart beats indicate that the baby is a girl, but we'll see. Truthfully, I've felt like this baby is a girl from the very start, but we would be thrilled for either. I've always felt like I get along so much better with little boys since they are more mild and low-key most of the time. What would I do with a little girl??! Probably turn her into a divalicious drama-queen :)

I've had waves of nausea and I have to eat all the time or I feel very sick. I've only thrown up once and it was because I didn't wake up and have something to eat right away. I'm tired a lot. More tired than I've ever been in my life, but I've read that's to be expected in the first trimester. Plus, with being anemic, I'm really going to have to watch myself and be careful with that. I've been eating very healthy for me. I'm eating lots of fruit and veggies, good breakfasts and drinking a ton of water. I've had a small cup of hot tea about every other day to break up my constant water habit a bit, but since I rarely ever drink soda, I shouldn't have an issue with cutting that out completely. I've had some ice cream and a piece of cake, but other than that, little sweets. It's strange, I think so much about every morsel I consume going directly to this baby and it stops me from wanting crappy foods. I keep dried fruit, granola bars, cheese and crackers on me at all times. Thankfully, when I start feeling queasy, snacking on these things usually stops it immediatley.

Everyone has been so wonderful about this so far, especially Joshua. I thank God daily that I have a husband like him to experience this with. It's something we both have wanted for so long and now it's finally happening. He's been incredibly attentive, wonderful, and nothing short of everything I knew he would be during this time. It's like he is his usual self, but enhanced :) This child is going to have an incredible big brother, which I'm so thankful for and great family members who love it unconditionally. I could not be happier or in a better place in my life for this to happen.

I want to write down everything I experience during this pregnancy, so that I can look back and remember it all. There is so much to think about, plan, do, etc and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. I want to relax and enjoy this time as much as possible. Right now, my thoughts are consumed with questions like, what if I'm not a good mother? What if I do something to mess up their life? What if they aren't a good person when they grow up? How can I make sure they love themselves and are confident...especially if this baby is a girl. I'm so so so scared I'm going to do something wrong and there will be irreputable damage to their life. I want this child to grow up differently than I did. MUCH differently. I want the baby to see how much Josh and I love each other and love him or her. I want them to love music, life, God, family, try everything and be inspired. I want them to have big dreams and actually go after them. I want them to be driven, good-hearted, soulful people. I say them because I want to have more than one. For now, right this second, I just want this baby to be healthy and happy. All that other stuff will come, I'm sure. I don't know how you help to mold your child into a good, well-balanced person because I feel like I learned that on my own for the most part. I guess you just do your best and that's all anyone can do. And I won't have to do it on my own, which is so reassuring. I just want this child to have better and be better than me.

So, sometime around June 21st this baby (a Gemini or Cancer, right on the cusp!) we will be bringing a new life into the world. A little Seprodi. I had convinced myself that maybe this couldn't happen; that I wasn't meant to carry a child for whatever reason and now this blessing. I still can't quite believe it, but I'm overjoyed :)

Weight Watchers

This is my 3rd week on Weight Watchers. I didn't get to start it as early as I wanted, but a few weeks ago, I was able to bite the bullet and spend the money. I was super excited about the online program and the ease of tracking points. There is so much at your finger tips with the etools you get once you join...too much in my opinion. I don't know if I need a major tutorial or what, but I've clicked on every tab/link possible and I still don't know what half the stuff is. I'm sure it's very useful, but right now, I only use the points tracker and occasionally the recipe finder. Maybe it's me. I don't have it readily available on my phone (no smartphone here, kids!), so it annoys me to do it anywhere else but while I'm at work with a fast internet that I can just plug those babies in and see where I am point-wise for the rest of the day. Translation: I almost never use it on the weekends. We travel a lot, especially lately visiting family and spending a lot of time outdoors. I just don't use it during this time, nor do I track points by hand because I can't plug them in to decide the point value. Yes, I'm sure buying the little calculator and all the other merch. they throw at you during the meetings would be helpful, but I really don't want to spend a bunch of $. Whiny, I know right? 

I initially tried just doing the online thing alone, but quickly realized the meetings would be the clincher for me. It was even more $, but I think it was worth it. Now lets look at just how "worth it" it is in the numbers. The first week I gained a pound. I wasn't too upset, because this is just how I am when I'm starting a new thing. The next week was just coming off of 4th of July parties, which of course, were nothing but cook-outs with yummy food. I went overboard. I had this terrible, embarrassed feeling walking up to the scales. I knew I hadn't even really tried and it was going to show. Big time. I lost 1.8 lbs. This week I did pretty well for myself and gained .4 lbs. Overall, I'm staying within a 1 lb weight loss/gain. I'm not doing something right, obviously. The lady at the scales gave me a sympathetic, but disapproving smile and said "Hope this week is better for you". That's all I ever go on is "hoping" this week will be different. Hope is kind of the last thing I need right now because all I do is rest on it. 

I noticed that when I'm at meetings, I'm pumped. I raise my hand and answer questions, tell about my struggles and I'm more than willing to hog meeting times to get all my stuff out there. Everything that is talked about during the meetings seems so manageable and doable that I leave super positive and ready to get going on a great week. It takes little more than walking through my front door for those feelings to all but disappear. I can watch all of the moving shows on TV and think if they can do it, so can I! Almost as soon as they end, I'm over it. 

For the past few weeks, I've been getting incredibly shaky when I wake up in the morning and then again right before bed. My heart does a strange skipping of beats a couple of times a day out of no where. I feel like my blodd sugar must be completely out of whack, but I'm too afraid to have it checked out. Until now, I haven't even told anyone about these symptoms. It's like I'm refusing to think that I'll ever go from pre-diabetic to actually having diabetes or something else that is caused by my weight. We are also still having trouble conceiving, which I'm also sure is due somewhat to my weight as well. Why is it that even writing out what I know doesn't convince me that my weight is no longer a back-burner problem. Even if it never truly held me back from doing anything I wanted to do in my life before IT IS NOW. It's all about right now and how the choices I'm making will effect my future, if I even have one.

I think my plan to get help in several different areas with concentrating in one area at a time is just not going to work. I need to address the psychological part of my problem while I'm looking at what I eat and for the love of God, EXERCISE for once in my life. I found an online support group that has conference call meetings on Saturdays. It's free and newbies can call in and join from around the country. I'm going to check it out tomorrow. 

That's all I've got for right now. If it's beyond frustrating reading about how hard-headed/lazy I am, imagine howover myself I am at this point. One of the things we talked about at WW last week was asking ourselves what do we need to succeed at this? No matter what we come up with, write it down. Here's what I have come up with.

1. Knowledge--I need to relearn how to eat, grocery shop, cook (well, learn for the first time really).

                        I need to learn about what I'm putting into my body. I need to learn how to eat for fuel and

                        for enjoyment only.

                        I need to learn how to work out for MY body. Starting off by just doing something is better

                        than nothing though. 

2. Routine-- I need to know what I'm eating at all meals and when those meals/snacks will happen.

                   I need to get physical activity in like it's just part of living; like it's as natural as breathing.

                   I need to plan my life around food and exercise because if not, I won't even think twice about it

3. Time & Money-- pretty self-explanatory. I'd like to say that eating healthy is expensive and if I had a

                               personal trainor than, WOW, I'd be smoking hot, but really, I don't think these are real

                               issues.

4. To live in a plastic bubble where there are no temptations or opportunities to over-ear or not exercise.

Leave it at the door

It's almost funny to me that my last post was about the progress I had made, when in the last 2 months since then, I've really fallen off the wagon in a big way. If there is one thing about me, I'm an all or nothing kind of person. When I'm on, I'm really on and when I'm off, wow....it's scary. I'm like that in most areas of my life. When I care about someone, it's with my whole heart and soul. When I start projects, I want to see that every detail is completed to perfection. When I make up my mind to not give a hoot what kind or how much food I'm putting into my body, it's back to border-line binge eating. That's what I've been doing off and on over the last two months.

I'd like to say I was doing well and just gradually started to get back to my old ways, but there's never anything gradual about my ups and downs with eating and exercising. Looking back at my last post, I should have known it was coming on. The mental exhaustion was a huge red flag. What I couldn't predict was that I'd also be all of the sudden going through some pretty horrid physical problems as well. I won't go into detail, but most of the time I'm completely drained of energy and in pain. We've had another significant health issue come up in our family and the worry from that can just about bury a person. I can't say that working out has been at the top of my priority list, but if I was getting some kind of help to deal with some of the psychological factors of my overall problem with eating and exercising, I might have been able to avoid getting into this place that I'm at now. 

There. That is DONE. Poor me, there are my excuses, that is what I should've, could've and would've done. I'm leaving them here on this blog and they are not coming back with me. Today starts a week off of work. I really feel like I'm so incredibly overdue for a mental break from the daily grind that this alone lifts my spirits in a big way. I'm making plans for the week to do the following: take care of me. I'm going to sleep in, get our finances in order, make doctor's appointments, spend time with family and friends and do things that make me happy. I'm going to go to the gym and do what I can to get myself back in the mindset of enjoying working out (believe it or not, I had actually gotten to that place) and work my way up to what I was doing before. I'm going to go back to writing down what I eat and as of June 6ish, I'm joining Weight Watchers. I know this is a "diet" of sorts and I was all about not doing that, but I've done my homework and this seems like something I should put my good $ and faith in for the time being. I have several friends that have been very successful with it and that gives me motivation. It may not work for me, but I'm going to give it my absolute best. I don't feel like I'm starting from scratch this time because I did have a few things going that seemed to be working or at least getting me in the right direction. This makes me not feel nearly as hopeless as I thought I'd feel. 

So here we go again and like always, I'll need all the support and advice I can get :)

Progress

I finally have been able to make myself sit down and catch up a little! I'd just love to say that I've been away for almost 2 months because I auditioned for the Biggest Loser and made the show, but no such luck. Not even a preliminary call back. I was really proud of myself for standing out, showing my personality and just making sure I didn't take myself or the happenings of the day too seriously. I was very surprised to find that I was among the smallest looking girls there. I honestly believe that put me at a big disadvantage for anyone from the show who might have looked at me and then looked to the several girls around me and thought, um okay you don't need us as much as some of these people do. That might have been true. Some people looked almost immobile, which scared me to death. I wondered if some of the dirty looks I received were from those who might have been thinking "I remember when I used to look that small". All the while I'm tetering on 300lbs and can't fit into any of my clothing.

Since then I've had my ups and downs, but I can honestly say that overall, I've been doing much, much better with both getting physical activity in more and eating better. I was on a kick for a few weeks where I would do well with eating well during the week and just BLOW it on the weekends, eating whatever I wanted and in what ever portions. I noticed that I literally gained back 2 of the 4 lbs I had been down in one weekend. Since we go to stay at Josh's parents house nearly every weekend in TH in order to visit my stepson and family, we don't have to make the meals. Everything always tastes so much better when someone else makes in and lets be honest, buys it. So, I've made a concentrated effort to still give myself at least one day to not stress or worry about anything that I eat, but still keep my portions in control. That's my attempt at a compromise.

Another big change has been making sure I get some kind of exercise in 4-5 days a week. Even if it's a 30-minute brisk walk outside. I feel so much better doing this. I've been able to spend more time outside with the nice weather and that makes me happy. I have had some harder and longer workouts in the gym lately as well. It helps me a lot to switch it up, since I get so bored, so quickly. I haven't found incredible motivation in terms of dropping lbs. I genuinely feel physically bad when I've skipped a day of working out though. It's been somewhat of a teter-totter of losing a few lbs, gaining it back, and losing it again. I know one thing is for sure, my friends and family members can alter one tiny thing in their diet or exercise regime and lose 15 lbs in what seems to be a blink of an eye. For whatever reason, my body is holding on to this weight for dear life and cannot pull numbers like that. I've been more than tempted by the results of others around me to do something drastic even if just for a little while just to see something, anything. But I realize that is not my goal at this point. I really feel as if my goal is to have a healthier lifestyle. Once I feel comfortable in this, than I can move on to the next step of real weight loss....right? What I'm doing might be not what everyone else is doing, but I'm not doing this for anyone else. 

It's still mentally exhausting and I could be doing more, but I'm not going to discredit how far I've come so far:) 

3 Months Ago

Like everyone else in the world, I really don't know where the time goes anymore. The days run into each other when all you do is sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, you catch my drift. Then again they run into each other if your life is one big ball of excitement too, I suppose. 

Things aren't really moving along like I'd like them to. I have my steady weeks at the gym and my weeks where I don't make it in at all. My meals this week have been delicious and terrible for me. I've had ice cream just about every night for dessert this week because, again, I feel like I have to have something sweet each time I have a meal. Last night was the exception when I had a cup of tea instead of dessert. I really should stick with the tea. 

I was in a car accident with my Dad and sister over the weekend and have been instructed to stay away from the gym this entire week and maybe longer. It's almost laughable right? We were very lucky not to be injured more than we were and I'm thankful for that, but really? I don't need another set-back here!

On the bright side, I'm going to be traveling to Indy at the end of the month to audition for The Biggest Loser and I'm super excited. Do I think I'll actually make the show? Um, YES! We probably won't in real life, but I think I have as good a shot as anyone. I've got a sob story and a good face for it! I'm also sending in a video. I'm also going to do my community's version of the BL as well. It starts next week and goes until mid-April. The person who loses the most amount of weight wins $500, so why not try it. I did it last year and didn't lose a single lb. This year is still different. It's still THE year and it's not too late. I'm not saying my losing weight is dependent on this show or that competition, but it's the magical "m" word that I'm always looking for and would take from any place I can get it. Motivation. 

Oh, one more thing. This is a blog to put all my stuff out there right? Well, I weighed myself 2 weeks ago tomorrow and I was at 296 lbs. That's a gain of 10 lbs since I started this blog which was exactly 3 months ago. I don't see how that could be possible, but there it is. I'm not weighing myself again for a few more weeks at least. I think if I was at or over the 300 mark, I don't even know what I would do or think. 

More to come soon....

Backwards

I can't seem to get back in the flow of things lately. I did great for a week. I was eating multiple small meals and healthy snacks during the day. I went to the gym 4 times which is crazy for me. I felt hungry everyday, but not uncomfortably so, more like I was successfully shrinking my stomach. I got full much faster than usual. Then came last week and that all went to hell in a hand basket. I've gained 4 lbs total since Christmas, one of which I gained during my "good" week. It's discouraging to say the least.

I've recently discovered a group of weight-loss blogs that I'm keeping up on that are full of good tips and advice. I've gotten more recipes together, none of which I've tried yet. I watched "Heavy" on A&E last night and just thought to myself, my gosh, that is me. One of the people on their actually weighed less than I do now when the 6 months of weightloss training and nutritional guidance ended. It's incredibly scary to me to think about getting to the point where I can barely fit in a car, a seat in a plane, or even walk. I feel like I'm almost there now so what is my problem?

When I went to visit my best friend Amy in Boston in September, I remember latching the seatbelt on the plane to the very last notch. And it was tight. I was horrified when I got there and we walked so much around the city that I thought I would literally start bawling because of the pain in my legs and feet (granted I was wearing horrible shoes, but still). By the time the last day came of the trip, we were sitting and resting more than we were walking. I had such a great time, but I can't deny that my inability to be mobile severely affected the success of the trip.

I constantly look at myself in the mirror these days and instead of being grossed out, I'm just shocked. Not even by how I look, I've gotten way past that point, just shocked that I still don't have it in me to change. I cannot identify the problem no matter how hard I try. I can't reteach myself to think, eat, grocery shop, exercise and live, on my own. The blogs, shows, recipes, work-out DVD's and everything else isn't going to change that. I would love to be able to do this with kind words and support, but that doesn't get me to the gym. 

The one thing I did pick up from that show, was how much I need to address the psychological aspects of this process. It's not something I can just look into or put off anymore. I'll need some serious luck finding someone who specializes in what I'm looking for in this area of the universe, that's for sure. I also need a physical trainer that will work for only me and for free, any takers?

A New No-Resolution Year

I'm back from the holiday hiatus! Actually, the absence was a lot less about the hustle and bustle of the holiday season and much more about my overall lack of energy and almost flat-lined brainwaves. I literally felt like I was barely going to make it through the rest of this pretty horrid year. Despite having a lovely Christmas with family, New Years' was what I couldn't wait for (and not because of the adult beverages!). I know there's nothing magical about a new year. You don't become a new person and the problems you had before do not cease to exist with Jan 1st coming along. Even so, I felt so good about the future after ringing in the new year with friends. It was like walking outside in the bitter cold and a gust of wind snapping you awake. I felt like this was it. It had to be the year when everything changed.
Bad luck (or maybe karma from another lifetime?) never strays far from us though and a new year could not prevent us from being side-lined in at least one way. However, we have chosen to not take the situation as a negative and just go with it. I tetered on the edge of throwing up my hands and saying ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! and just throwing in the towel. Throwing in the towel on January 3rd is really not the route I want to go for a bright, new and shiny year. I promised myself no new years resolutions just overall change.
So, I'm back to focusing on the things I can control in my life. That being my food intake and exercise for the time being. Since the new year I've been doing really well for my standards on watching what I eat. Portion control has been a biggie. I'm admittingly hungrier than usual, but I also get full faster and from smaller amounts of food. I've been doing this for 5 days and I've been able to shrink my stomach and hopefully keep it that way. I'm eating healthy snacks throughout my day. It helps to be able to go on a $215 grocery run and stock up on good things to eat. Will I get to continue doing that? Probably not, but it's a start. It's more expensive to eat healthy. Period. Sucks!

I've also been going to the gym. Have I been in everyday and doing kickbutt workouts? No, but I'm doing something consistently so far, and I'm proud of that. Here's where I need the help. I get so bored at the gym, that I want to just tear my hair out. I need some fun music to keep on my IPOD for workouts.

Think sexy-bounce-to-the-beat music like Beyonce, the Pussycat Dolls or Rhianna. I love that kind of stuff for workouts. I imagine myself as those ladies and that's bigtime motivation. I also like various tempos and styles for other parts of my workout, but for cardio--mostly tasteless and sugary pop music.
So, let me know what music motivates you, please. Cool-down, cardio, anything, I want to know!


Here's to a very happy and healthy NEW YEAR!